Monday, 29 January 2018

Self Doubt

Self doubt is a bitch isn't it? We all feel it and sometimes it disappears deep down inside of us for a while but it always comes back and rears its head at the most inconvenient times.
One of those times is when change is coming. You know, the time you're already feeling anxious about the change and could really do without the extra stress of self doubt creeping in. But it does all the same.

Change is scary, especially for somebody who has lived in somewhat of a rut for the past 4 years. Life in Beijing is easy, but hard at the same time. The thing with expat life is that everything is taken care of for you. When I moved here, my employer had already organised my apartment, set up bank accounts and stocked my fridge with food. Relocating abroad is easy, but moving back home is scaring the hell out of me.

I've been unhappy with life in Beijing for a while and if I'm truly honest with myself, I've stayed as long as I have because it was safe and comfortable. But neither of those things were making me happy, my life felt like endless repetitive days of misery so in December I decided I was done. In so many ways I'm excited to move back to the UK. The reasons for my excitement are probably a whole post in themselves and possibly one I will write soon, but while I'm excited I'm also absolutely terrified. Possibly more terrified than I have ever been. I have so much banking on this move back to the UK and I'm praying that the decision to move was a good one. But there's that tiny little niggle that is telling me the grass isn't always greener and that scares me.

❤  What if things don't get better for me and Paul in the UK?
❤  What if I don't rediscover my love for my job somewhere else? It's all I have ever imagined doing. 
❤  What if I'm constantly broke and miserable? 
❤  What if I can't build up new friendships when I move? I've never found it that easy to do anyway! 
❤  What if the grass isn't greener and we regret our decision? 
❤  What if I've forgotten how to do normal life? I've lived in an expat bubble for so long. 
❤  And worst of all, what if it is the wrong decision? There is no back-up plan

One thing I know for sure is that Beijing isn't making me happy anymore and it hasn't for a while, and it is time to leave. It's nerve-wracking not knowing what is coming right now but I know that staying in an unhappy place to avoid change and stay safe isn't an option anymore. I'm not willing to waste anymore of my life feeling unhappy. 

Sometimes you have to just take a chance and hope for the best, and try your hardest to put yourself out there, take risks and try your hardest to make it the best. This year is going to be filled with challenges for me and I'm going to try my hardest to be a total girl boss and overcome all of my fears. I have to! I feel like I've almost lost control of my life and I stated to claw it back when I handed in my notice and made the decision to move to London. Now I just need to get a tighter grip, get back my independence and become the girl I know I have inside of me. 

So yes, I'm terrified but confident that I'm making a good decision. And rather than relying on hope, I'm going to step out of my comfort zone to make it be a positive change and the first step in becoming the girl I want to be. 

So if you're based in London and would like a new friend this summer, hit me up! I'll be needing all of the friends I can get! 

I'd love to know how do you cope with self doubt


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