Thursday, 16 August 2018

A Heartfelt Post About Weight Gain and Body Confidence

This is a post I wasn't sure I would ever write because it is such a raw emotion for me. Very raw! It's not something I ever like to draw attention to and I feel so ashamed of ever letting me weight get so out of control. Gaining weight completely destroyed far too many years of my life and affected me in ways that only the very closest people in my life  know. I think lots of girls struggling with weight and body confidence struggle with these feelings and most people around them are probably completely unaware.

On the outside I was always happy and bubbly. I just got on with life - did my job, smiled at people and found all possible ways to cover how I really felt about myself. I also became an expert liar to cover up anything that might blow my cover. Looking in, you would think I was a girl who was perfectly happy with myself. But inside, I was dying!

Life became a vicious cycle. I ate because I was unhappy and I became more unhappy because that made me gain weight. When you see curvy girls that are full of confidence and happy in their own skin I have so much admiration for them. I wished I could feel like that about myself but I just couldn't. Perhaps, deep down those girls feel exactly the same as I did, who knows?

My weight affected every single thing in my life. When I say that it's easy to think that I'm exaggerating but I truly do mean every little thing.

 When heading off on a holiday, I'd spend days before stressing about how to squeeze myself into the aeroplane seat and panic about the embarrassment of having to ask for a seat belt extension (luckily I never had to but the fear was real)
♥ Eating out at restaurants was an uncomfortable experience. I always felt that people would judge  me for my food choices and that the only acceptable thing on the menu for somebody of my size was salad. And let's not get started on restaurants that cram  tables and char into a tiny space!
♥ I became completely anti-social, not because I didn't want friends but because I had nothing to wear. And I had such little confidence I felt that nobody would really want me there anyway. 
 I became an expert a hiding my body. Whether it was folding my arms or holding papers up in front of me, every stance involved covering my tummy as second nature. I could never just be natural and comfortable. 
 Squeezing into my tight clothes every day because I was forever losing weight so there was no point in buying new ones. Then spending 5 minutes stretching them to make them look acceptable. Leaving the house each day knowing I looked awful but having no other option. 
 Planning all of the fabulous things that I wanted to do, the life of my dreams, but then reality would hit and I'd realise that I just wasn't in the right place mentally or physically to live the life I wanted. 

These are just a few of  the ways in which my weight affected me on a daily basis but there was so much more.  

The most important thing that my weight gain affected was my relationship. I became insecure in my relationship and just didn't see why Paul would want to be with me. Because of that I pushed him and pushed him, expecting him to leave. I hated him touching me and felt completely undesirable, which naturally wasn't great for our relationship. And the worst thing of all is that he didn't deserve that. He didn't the weight (well, he did some) but yet he suffered like he had. 

It's so easy for others to judge you for your weight and every single day I would wake up and think 'I've got this' but it's just not that easy is it? Then on days when I failed, I failed big time. It was a vicious cycle that I just couldn't get out of and it destroyed me. In every single way.  I hated myself, I hated my lack of willpower and I felt so deeply unhappy. 

I spent this summer trying hard to lose weight. I did it and I finally feel like I'm finding myself and my happy again. I still have work to do, but I'm making steps in the right direction and that is huge for me. 


Have you or do you ever feel like this? Get in touch - I get it! 
How do you manage your relationship with food, weight and body confidence?
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3 comments

  1. I think you are overly harsh on yourself, but then we are our own worst critics. For what it's worth, to me you always look really pretty and super stylish. :) Still, I'm really happy to hear that you're reaching your goals. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. You will get where you want to be. xxx

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    1. Thanks B! As of today I'm 20 and a half pound down! Yay! xx

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    2. Yay! That's amazing! Well done! You should be so proud of yourself! xxx

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